Dear Gabby: What is it with men and the dishwasher?

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Dear Gabby,

What is it with men and their obsession over loading the dishwasher? It’s like it has to be loaded in a crazily specific way or it will self-destruct in five seconds. I mean, really? Do the safety of the nuclear codes depend on it? Will a world war break out if the ramekins go in the drink rack and the overflow drink glass goes in the plate rack? You’d think a cardiac even may occur if the whisk (that he’s never used a day in his life) lies on its side instead of resting in the silverware caddy.

Before people get crazy over my gross gender generalizations, I just wanna say I know more than a few women – women who do the majority of the cooking by the way – whose partners get very testy over the way they load the dishwasher. It’s a dishwasher! Who cares? I’m stumped. What gives?

Dishing

Dear Dishing,

I wish I knew! In my house, rather than create open conflict, we have landed on this highly ridiculous solution: The person who loads the last dish before starting the dishwasher quietly rearranges the dishes! What bothers me much more than having the dishes in racks I don’t want them in is having my work stealthily rearranged as though there is a RIGHT way and my way is wrong. Also annoying is the idea that I won’t notice. But enough about me!

Whoever is cleaning up should load it any way they want and then start it if full. No rearranging. Or, if you rearrange, shut up about it!

The point is, no one should be criticized for incorrectly loading the dishwasher. There are far more important things to criticize your partner about! Just think about it. If you blow all your cred on the dishwasher, you’ll have nothing left over for washing the pots and pans with all the muscle of a slug and the eyesight of a mole so that it comes out more greasy than it went in. For which, at least, there is a solution. It’s called a dishwasher.

Dear Gabby,

My elderly parent mismanaged his finances and now has no money. He is on an austerity budget and still, his wife – they both also have memory issues – refuses to (or maybe can’t remember to) stick to the budget, no matter how many times we tell her she has to. Their food and board is completely paid for, so these are all coffees, meals out, theater tickets and other things they shouldn’t be spending money on.

So, now, our choice is to support them financially and enable them to spend money they do not have, or try and beat them over the head with information they can’t seem to remember, which seems cruel. I need advice!

New tricks Needed

Dear New Tricks,

What a terrible dilemma. I don’t see a lot of great solutions but here’s one offering. What about giving them Visa (or any other general use) gift cards every month for the amount of money that they can spend (and whatever else you do or don’t feel like contributing)?

And cut up the credit cards once they are paid off. That way when they run out, they run out! If it’s only halfway through the month, you can sit down with them and reiterate the situation and tell them that for the rest of the month, they have to eat at home and not buy anything. With no cash, no credit and no gift card, they may have to change their ways.

But I don’t envy you. This is very tough territory. Very, very tough and a lesson to all of us who are not too elderly (yet) and don’t have memory issues (yet) to try and set up our future selves for success. Whether that means meeting with a financial planner, looking online for advice, checking out Medicaid possibilities or calling one of the agencies that can help: the Council for Jewish Elderly, North Shore Senior Center, Lutheran General Adult Day Services, Catholic Charities etc. They may be good resources or have good recommendations and some of their services may be free. Good luck!

Dear Gabby,

My spouse and I have dear friends that we have both known since childhood – independently, oddly enough – and really enjoy spending time with. They proposed going on a vacation together and it sounds like it could be fun, however they have more money than we do and I think they stay at 4- and 5-star hotels, whereas we happily stay at 2- or 3-star hotels. In my time I have stayed at some -10 hotels!

I don’t want it to seem like we don’t want to travel with them, but I don’t want to travel with them if it means spending too much money. They also like to eat at nice restaurants, etc., and I can go all day on an apple and a chunk of cheese. Any ideas?

The road taken?

Dear Road,

Traveling with others is a dicey proposition no matter how well you get along. (The White Lotus! I rest my case.)

But I think that you have to ask yourself, do you really want to travel with these folks? Might you be able to meet up somewhere for a few days and then go off on your own? If the answer is yes, then you just have to be honest and have a frank conversation.

They would have to be pretty rigid and naïve to think that everyone can afford the same things they enjoy. Especially if you’ve known them so long, you should be able to say, “We’d love to go to Keokuk with you! But we have some restrictions that may or may not work” … or “We could meet up with you in Dubrovnik, but if you want to stay at a 4-star hotel, we’ll stay nearby,” and then just lay out the possibilities.

If, however, you really don’t want to travel with them, that’s another story. Then, in my humble opinion, it’s time to take the cowardly route and just postpone postpone postpone.

It’s hard to find a polite way to say, ‘We just don’t want to travel with you because you are too _________ (fussy, fancy, boring, lazy, active, fill-in-the-blank),” but, readers, if you have any suggestions, I’m all ears!

Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. Yes, Gabby is an advice columnist – but not just any advice columnist. Because that would be boring! Gabby combines wisdom with wit. And a pinch of snark. She is not a trained therapist by any means, but has seen and loved many in her day. Her aim is to make you think while she makes you laugh. Gabby welcomes all questions and queries and is only too happy to hear your opinion, no matter how much it may diverge from hers. Write to Gabby at [email protected].

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Dear Gabby appears in the RoundTable every Monday. No question is too serious, too silly or too snarly for Gabby, who combines wisdom with wit and a pinch of snark. Her aim is to make you think while she... More by Dear Gabby